Spurious Nurse

5th Week - Otherwise Known As "I'm Not Sure Why I Thought I'd Have Time To Blog During Nursing School"

Seriously! Between studying for mid-term exams and beginning clinical rotations in a skilled nursing facility (nursing home) I haven't had time to do much. Like breathe. Or sleep. My poor husband gave me a hug the other day, and I murmured something about auscultation. Because lung sounds keep that spark in your marriage.

We took our mid-term exam and it was unreal. Multiple choice questions where all of the optional answers were right. You have to pick the one that's the most right. Any answer that involved "get a Diet Coke and check on your patient later" was wrong. I know, can you believe it?

We also met Professor AngryFace who observes/grades our clinical site performance. Describing this woman as a believer in tough love would win me first prize at an understatement tournament. Her learning process involves shouting questions at us, waiting while we answer, telling us we're wrong, and yelling some more. It doesn't matter how we answer. We are wrong. Even if we're right, we're still wrong. Especially if we're right, we're still wrong.

But I did well on my test and my mid-term clinical evaluations came out great. Yay!

THINGS I LEARNED THIS WEEK

Social: A group of 10 people with 4 hours of sleep can get kinda goofy. Professor AngryFace does not appreciate goofy.

Clinical: Accuchecks, G and J tube feeding, basic physical assessment, management and staging of pressure ulcers, fall risk assessment, pain assessment.

Personal: I'm a morning person, but some people don't like being awake before the sun rises (up at 5AM for clinical). Don't bother those people until they've had lots of coffee. Then approach with caution. They're really cranky.

I'm also nervous about hurting the patients - it's so important to me that they feel safe, especially if they're confused or sick. My hands shook so hard when I performed my first accucheck (blood sugar test) that I couldn't hold the glucometer straight. Of course having Professor AngryFace yelling over my shoulder and grading my mistakes didn't help*.

But the best part of these past few weeks has been the patients. My first patient is a lady with end stage dementia. She can't speak, walk, or see. She sleeps about 23 hours a day. She can't even sit in a wheelchair without being secured so she won't fall. But on my first day she grabbed my hand and held it tight. I needed that touch and reassurance as much as she did, and told her so. She put her other hand on mine. This is the job for me.

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*As an aside, the patient was fine. After picking a finger for the test, he dosed off and slept through the whole process. Shaking, yelling and all. I was jealous.

2nd Week: Hooray for Caffiene

If I'm gonna drink this much Diet Coke, I need to approach their corporate office for a sponsorship. I've got one with me all the time - I'm a walking advertisement for hyper-caffeination. The DC higher-ups should throw some stickers on me so I can be the Lance Armstrong of nursing students! Total dedication (check), working through self-inflicted pain for a distant goal (check), silly outfit (check). Didn't think it was possible to consume more Diet Coke than I usually do (I set lofty goals), but I've been drinking more to keep up with studying. Maybe it's time for one of those hats with the straws:

Pretty sure this would be frowned upon by the nursing school dress code police...

All this caffeine makes it easier to stay awake and study for my test on Tuesday (hold on, let me get a paper bag to breathe into...OK, that's better) which covers quite a bit of ground. My new nursing school buddies and I are meeting this weekend to study and eat a lot of food covered in cheese/salt/sugar and I'm in charge of bringing a vat of Diet Coke. I can't promise that they'll get any.

THINGS I LEARNED THIS WEEK

Social: If everyone in my class brings a daily snack and shares with each other, we'll all gain 2 pounds a week.

Clinical: Ambulatory assistance devices, oral care and feeding, patient hygiene, bed baths, bed making (occupied and unoccupied), body mechanics, transfer techniques and Hoyer lifting.

Personal: An old classmate from Pharmacology has offered to be my mentor! Meaning I'll have a chance to see what's coming in the flesh. What do you call a person receiving advice from a mentor? A mentee? A manatee? Mental? That last one sounds right...

A friend and I also instituted an unofficial extracurricular activity called 'Taco Wednesday' - everyone's invited! Every Wednesday we cram into my car like circus clowns (nursing circus clowns) and get tacos at Taco Miendo or Gallegos - two local institutions of deliciousness. It gives us something to look forward to, and gives us a chance to think about something besides how terrified we are. Nursing seminar is a lot easier to sit through when you're full of carne asada and jack cheese. Trust me on this one.

Preview of Coming Attractions

So today we broke into pairs and learned patient oral care (brushing teeth, flossing, etc) and feeding. You're thinking,

"How hard can it be to feed someone and brush their teeth?"

If you wanna do it correctly, it's HARD. You have to think about things you never, ever think about when you brush your own teeth like:

Is this patient conscious?

I'm usually conscious when I brush my teeth...usually.

Is this patient combative?

This is code for "will this patient bite me?"

Are the mucosa pink, intact and moist?

I always think about my mucosa while brushing. That's a joke.

Does this patient wear dentures?

I don't. Yet.

Is the patient on any medication that could cause excessive bleeding?

'Cause I floss HARD!

Does this patient have mouth injuries/lacerations/ulcerations?

See above note about flossing.

Is the patient intubated?

Brushing is tricky with a tube in your throat. I didn't have one this morning, but that was hours ago...

Feeding seemed pretty straightforward, but involved excessive use of applesauce. Bleh. And then there's info about all the different diets (NPO, puree, clear liquid, renal, low-sodium, mechanical soft... I'll stop - for you).

We also learned to teach patients in the use of ambulatory assistance devices (walkers and canes). One student pretended to be the nurse (ha!) and the other pretended to be an elderly patient with ambulatory difficulties. Under our clinical professors watchful eye, we practiced going up and down stairs and scooting around. Learning how to walk with a cane/walker is hard! Each student took turns "teaching" their "patient" how to use their devices and it was much more difficult than I thought. I have new respect for Granny at the supermarket who can rock a cane and carry a grocery bag at the same time.

Did I mention we learned this in ONE DAY?

Our most recent clinical classes have focused on activities of daily living and how difficult they can become with age/injury. It's making the truth of getting older a little more difficult to avoid, but also giving a better understanding and appreciation of my patients. Sneaky ol' nursing school.

Oh well. My wrinkly future awaits, and I (apparently) need to learn to love applesauce. Maybe if they mix it with a little Diet Coke...

1st Week Recap: I Didn't Die!

It appears that I have wildly surpassed my personal goals by living through the first week of nursing school without crying or bursting into flames! When I shoot for the stars, I aim high.

Quitting my job has proven to be absolutely necessary since my eight hours of scheduled class have taken up a full forty hours with reading, studying and practicing blood pressures for the 324th time. I'd like to give a shout out to my husband and parents and friends for totally helping me out and being supportive!

THINGS I LEARNED THIS WEEK

Social: You can be friends with anyone if both of you are sufficiently terrified.

Clinical: Vital signs, cleaning and positioning patients, correct handwashing techniques, application of compression stockings and condom catheters.

Personal: I am missing a pulse in several of my extremities - sometimes even my teachers can't find one. Which means I am a robot. Being a robot is awesome.

My grandfather said (and I'm totally paraphrasing here) that as he gained more knowledge he felt more unintelligent. He was more aware of what he didn't know after he learned something new. I'm just beginning to understand the enormity of what lies ahead, but I think I can face it. I'll just feel like a total dingbat most of the time.

Hooray for dingbattery!

Behold, The Majesty

Sunglasses are not part of the uniform.

But if I can find some blue ones, I'll try and work 'em in.

I Am A Very Well-Ironed Blueberry

The part of nursing school I relish most is wearing scrubs. I have clinical rotations (i.e. a chance to see real human beings with actual problems) twice a week and wearing "the blue suit" - my scrubs - is mandatory. I have to get up at the crack of a chicken's booty when it's still dark outside, but I will at least spared the pain of determining whether my outfit will make me look like a tool. Because it will! Hooray for predictability!

My nursing uniform consists of blue scrub pants and a baggy top with lots of low hanging, apron-y pockets. In those pockets we keep the required loot (badges, stethoscope, No-Doz...) necessary to prevent a visit from the Nursing School Dress Code Police - they are super serious. I look like a large, lumpy blueberry, but I try to iron my lumpy parts extra well before leaving the house. My husband has informed me that I am the cutest giant blueberry ever, and I have chosen to believe him.

I've also been informed that I can't rock a ponytail while in uniform because a funky patient might grab my hair and start swinging me around like a giant, blue lasso. A well-ironed giant, blue lasso. Nursing school RULES.

First Day

After many days of waiting, fingernail-biting and freaking out, the first day of nursing school is here! I can't decide if I'm terrified or elated...or nauseous. Definitely the last one.

I started this blog as a diary of sorts, since several former students have suggested writing about the process of getting through the nursing program as an attempt to remain sane. I'm calling myself the Spurious Nurse, as I just looked up 'spurious' in the dictionary and it was defined as:

1.) Plausible but false.

2.) Of illegitimate birth.

3.) Not being what it purports to be.

I can't believe that I am finally in nursing school, it means I might one day actually be a nurse! It's completely unreal, and therefore, cannot be true. So, I'm not sure about the above definition in the middle, but the 1st and 3rd definitions definitely apply to me.

I'll try to post how things are going in this little blog as a way to vent, collect myself and so that later I can look back on the two years I spent in nursing school as a crazy dream.

Because there's no way I'll actually be a nurse!